Stop That Now! Or, Why Longer Shirts Are A Blessing For What They Disguise

It's time for another round of Stop That Now! - my findings of fashion don'ts that must, in the name of all things good, be stopped immediately.

Today:
The Thong Song is no longer in heavy rotation for a reason.

The one thing about fashion we can always count on is that styles are going to change. And while some trends, such as classic suits and menswear never really go out of style, others (gauchos and guys' half shirts, I'm talking to you) have thankfully made their rounds and disappeared into the far reaches of otherwise well-appointed closets. Still, some people can't seem to let a bad trend end, including this woman:
I was beyond grateful when designers moved to longer-cut T-shirts and blouses last fall. The longer length kindly hid all that the public eye should not have to bear witness: the bulging belly, the muffin top, the peeping thong. This woman, however, apparently did not get the memo as her shirt fell short of keeping her personals, well, personal. This fashion horror is so easy to avoid - no mom jeans required - I wanted to run out to Target and purchase her a five-pack of Hanes T-shirts so she could finish her beer with dignity. Or at least find her a bar stool with a solid seat back.

Stop That Now! Or, A Facelift Is A Better Fountain of Youth

It's time for another round of Stop That Now! - my findings of fashion don'ts that must, in the name of all things good, be stopped immediately.

Today:
You can't turn back the clock by wearing outfits from Gymboree

I know Avril Laveigne had a cute thing going back in her Sk8er Boi phase, but she was also what, 18? Now in her mid-20s, even Avril has classed up her act quite a bit, making me wonder why this woman, so obviously at the 30 mark, would choose to parade about town in an outfit clearly meant for her daughter:

There is so much going on here that's wrong, it's difficult to pick a place to start. The shorts are so teeny, her cheek bottoms have as good a view of this shopping trip as her eyes. (The front of the shorts were even smaller, leaving her lady parts a fraction of an inch from falling out and saying hello.) The tight, cropped shirt probably looked good on her back in middle school. Then there's the accessorizing with a pink-trimmed armband, pink bandana and crazy pink/purple grafitti handbag. The only thing halfway grownup about this ensemble is the slingback wedges, but they're too far removed from the rest of the outfit to hear its cry for help.

Stop That Now! Or Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Fanny

It's time for another round of Stop That Now! - my findings of fashion don'ts that must, in the name of all things good, be stopped immediately.

Today:
Why your tush is not the place to showcase your trendsetting bravery.

It's no small fete to take on a trend and try it out in the public eye. And it's no small ass that can handle the appointment of body billboard, parading not one, not two, but three trends at the same time, across a mere 12 inches (give or take) of prime rump roast.

Which is why it was so easy to zero in on this girl's posterior from across a crowded rooftop bar:


While I apologize for the quality of my camera phone and its nonexistent flash, I do not apologize for trailing this woman around the bar with a quest to capture these "all-intrendsive" shorts. Note the three summer trends happening on one piece of fabric: short-shorts + black & white + floral = a whole lot of junk on one trunk. Amazingly, the rest of her outfit was nondescript. It was like the only place on her body she was willing to take a chance on fashion was her gluteus maximus - the one spot most women want to make less obvious.

While it's unfortunate to spend money on clothes then not wear them, at least these shorts can find new life covering a very small throw pillow.

My Favorite Tattoo Ever!

May I present Christian, and his finger mustache:


Instant makeover!

Boston Improper

This harem number from Boston Proper are certain to keep me up tonight, worrying over the unsuspecting bottoms of women who thought these rayon, embroidered and beaded drawstring sweat pants might just be the "edge" they've been looking for:


What's next? Bedazzled gym shorts?

Yam On It!

So, it turns out yams have way more fun than Idaho potatoes:

See? Spuds don't lie.

Stop That Now! Or, What the Hell Have You Done to Your Feet?

It's time for another round of Stop That Now! - my findings of fashion don'ts that must, in the name of all things good, be stopped immediately.

Today:
Why your bottom third is just as critical as your top third.

We ladies spend A LOT of money on our face and hair. We're constantly searching for the next great coif. (Drew! No, Cameron! No, Kate! OK, yes, let's go with Kate.) We'll try any face serum that promises to erase lines and make us look 13 again. And we own every color of lipstick ever created. Even the ones that look hideous against our skin tone.

So much time and money has been spent on our top third, that sometimes it's easy to forget there's a bottom third that also requires a bit of love and effort. Like this lady:


Cropped pants, black socks AND hot pink Crocs? It's like I died and went to rubber-clog hell. OK, here are three quick tips to upgrade (if possible) this look:
1. Capris and socks NEVER go together. Never.
2. Black socks only go with black pants that are full length, and then only with black shoes.
3. Crocs go with nothing. Unless you're three years old. Then they delightfully go with everything. That's your window for Croc wear. If you're not in it, then you can't wear it. Them's the rules.

Now, toss that outfit into the garbage can so conveniently positioned next to you and get shopping for something a bit easier on the eyes.