Zombies From Outer Space Are People, Too

I don't generally write about celebrities. However, after catching the first five minutes of Oprah at the Cruise family Telluride home, I was left in such a disturbed state that I couldn't not write about what I saw - or more importantly - heard.

As Tom was escorting Oprah into the house, Katie stepped into the scene, as if to say "See that? I'm here, too. Tom lets me stay here, too." She excused herself from the interview, like Oprah had any plans to talk to her, then planted a kiss too full for a casual goodbye on her husband's lips, uttering, "I Love You," with so much over-the-top passion, I thought I accidentally hit a button on my remote, switching me to a Melrose Place marathon. It made me shudder. It was so obvious, so forced, so sounding like Katie needed to brush up on her acting skills. And then, just before she walked out the door, she said it AGAIN. In that same exact pushed voice. It was as if in those three little words, she was secretly begging Tom not to throw her under that bus to Oprah; not to reveal her truth, the truth that could destroy her. But then again, in Hollywood, it is the weird things about people that often makes them famous.

Still, I can't let Tom expose her. A husband shouldn't do that to his wife. So I'm going to be the one to tell the world. For I know the secret and now, you all do, too:



Katie Holmes is really a high-tech robot. I know. It's a hard truth to swallow. But how can anyone ignore such concrete proof? And all this time, you thought she watched Futurama for the slapstick, when instead she was just missing her brother, Bender.